I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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