Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
