how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
