I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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