Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i love accidental penises.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
