He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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