I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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