Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
