just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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