theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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