I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
