Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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