**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
