i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
