the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
