I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
