I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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