you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
