wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
