Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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