Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
