Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
