Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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