Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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