The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
