I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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