I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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