i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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