I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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