I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
