Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
