Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
