My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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