Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
