Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
