I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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