It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
