I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
