I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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