Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize