2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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