TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
