I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
