Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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