remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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