she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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