I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
