rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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