I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
