put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
