I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
