My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize