i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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