Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
