The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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