Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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