sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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