My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize